Rather than risk my life (only slightly ironic) I am climbing mountains of psychology. When I was traveling, my brain spent any idle time ruminating about my choosing life in a new environment over suicide. The dwelling and over-thinking was like a spinning tire with no forward movement. I rationalized that I had chosen a different alternative, and while that was true, it created more problems than solutions. The question still hangs – is changing your life justified? I think the answer is yes, if you are prepared to deal with the consequences.
So now I find myself working on the psychology of my depression and working the steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous program. Step Four, to be specific, is a major peak in this mountain range. Working step four requires an honest inventory of character flaws, twisting of rules, and justification for acts that are self-serving.
Without going into a detailed definition of an alcoholic I will say that I am an alcoholic. I was not a frequent drinker but a binge drinker, which would have led to a much worse life had I not stopped. Because my depression wished for alcohol I must admit that I am powerless, over both actually. The steps in AA are useful to me now to sort out my depression, to work on my character flaws, and to have a frame for every day improvement.